When ants come marching...

The animal with the largest brain in relation to its body is the ant.

Ants do not sleep.

Ants fight until the enemy's body is dismembered.




(P.S. I had nothing good to write about today)

58 days

I'm in Shopper's in the middle of the night buying another bottle of buckley's - and the lady behind me - ever so chipper - says:

"Less than 3 months 'til Christmas"

This through me for a loop - realizing that it is less than 2 months (58 days) until Liam's First Birthday.

We've come so far....

Where's Liam Wednesdays...(thursday edition)

irish through and through...

sick and tired

Not only am I actually sick and tired. I'm sick and tired of playing nice with useless companies like canaca.com. If you ever or know anyone who ever has or even is thinking about dealing with this company...I cannot stress this strongly enough...DO NOT DO IT!!!! Not only are they completely useless when it comes to their actual service but they are also completely incompetent, rude and will practically blackmail you to get anything done. See also my opinion of their customer service

I am so sick of calling them.

I am so tired of hearing the same damn woman say the same damn thing to me over and over and over again and then be rude to me.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Just had to let that out.

Mindful Mommy Mondays - 2 for 1

Three bear bums!

Yeah, I'm high on buckley's gimme a break!

And in the new, improved - dangerous things category!

The bones do not forget

So we are getting through our first cold as a family. Liam has a solid case of the sniffles, daddy has already gotten over his measly sore throat and as per usual I have contracted bronchitis for the 10 millionth time.

So saturday night while I struggled to breathe on the couch - my pelvis reminded me that though I may have conveniently forgotten the pain of labour, it had not. In my weakened, exhausted state my bones reminded me exactly what the crushing, aching and grinding sensations of the early stages of my labour were like.

Book Review: The Time Traveler's Wife

Although the title may suggest a sci-fi novel this book is more of a love story. It's an interesting premise - a chronologically challenged Henry tumbles through time meeting his dead mother, future wife and child. The author does an excellent job of making a novel that could be unbelievable and pretenious into a story that weaves love, marriage, friends and family concepts into a wonderful tapestry that is deeply moving.

I found it hard to put down.

I read this book almost 2 years ago while in Cayo Largo, Cuba. I recently handed it to Peter and insisted he read it next.

"Halloween is SICK"

So my mom and I walk into Homesense in Ancaster. They have some pretty big displays for Halloween, decorations - the typical stuff gap toothed pumpkins, bristly black cats with funny hats - mostly really cutesy stuff.

Well dressed too much make-up Ancaster woman: Isn't this just ridiculous?

Me and my mom: -

Ancaster woman: I think it's just getting out of hand.

Me and my mom: blink.

Ancaster woman: It's sick. This is SICK. I don't let my children go out on Halloween anymore. It's just SICK! SICK!

Me (to my mom): It's sick!

My mom: Stop it.

I already bought Liam's Halloween costume!!!! WEEEEEEE!

P.S. There was also this time that I convinced this girl on MSN in the states that Canadians didn't celebrate Halloween - that I didn't even know what Halloween was.
Screwing with silly Americans is almost as much fun as Ancaster women.

Where's Liam Wednesdays...

I thought I'd have until at least Liam got into unversity before he joined a religious order just to peeve me off.

100 Things about Me...

1. My name is Alisa Rene Burton
2. I am 30 years old (ancient I know)
3. I have a son, Liam
4. I have 2 cats (our gay couple Oliver and Rufus)
5. We proudly live in Hamilton
6. I used to do stuff (what kind of stuff you may ask - I don't recall is the safe answer)
7. I like chocolate (but who doesn't - so that was lame)
8. uhhh...
9. Currently, I am reading Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood
10. I am no longer a size 6
11. uhhh...what number am I at?
12. I don't know if there is any particular genre of music I prefer - I know I don't like gangsta' rap (but I am so out of touch with mainstream culture that Peter had to explain grills to me)
13. I hate winter ( I don't play winter sports - see I just don't think I was meant to stand on a piece of metal and freeze my ass off - or crash down a mountain with nothing to save me but my wit)
14. Geeze this is hard
15. It's possible that I may be naming my children after british rock stars, Liam and (possibly someday) Gavin (god he's pretty)
16. This is getting sad - I can't think of even 20 things - but 100???

Oh forget it!

I give up!

There's 16 be happy with that! OKAY, it's more like 14 12 since I wasted a couple. Get over it.

Dora Dora Dora the explorer...

Mommy is going to the nut farm with Benny the blue bull and Tico the squirel in his little yellow car. (That was actually an episode)

One of thoses days

I remember when one of those days was just something I said when things didn't go exactly as I had anticipated. When I had a headache or someone had peeved me off.

Now...one of those days....is Liam screaming until I break down and cry along with him.
(Which by the way stops his crying. Just a tip.)

and/or Liam doesn't nap.

I'm assuming its a teeth issue...seeing as bunny bucktooth broke 2 last week.

Oh. The. Joy.

Mindful Mommy Mondays

Liam is terrified of geese.

Book Review: The Birth House

The Birth House by Ami McKay is the Canadian novel that finally knocked the Da Vinci Code off it #1 spot on the bestsellers list.

It is a story about a young woman in tiny east coast town at the beginning of the 20th century. The turmoil and change in the world and more specifically within the town, the women and the minds of those who live there is given a vibrant life in the main character's struggle.

I began this book with a relatively moderate view of giving birth, as my own birth experience was hardly what I'd had in mind (but darling, it never is). The medical-ized, sterilized and somewhat removed nature of labour and delivery seemed to me a given. But after reading The Birth House, I have realized just how much of the joy and sorrow, comfort and closeness, has been taken from us by the medicalization of birthing a child. It has changed my choices for our next.

This book also gives a hilarious and somewhat irreverent look at the medical community and its opinion of women.

Take the quiz, maybe you need to make an investment in a known medical cure for hysteria (see below). Cripes, you could order it from the Sears catalogue !

family is family

What exactly does that mean?

I just don't understand how people can put aside not speaking for 6 years and just pretend it didnt happen?

My cousin Jaclyn called me and said "family is family" to me as if that would make it ok that it had been so long. It wasn't that I wasn't speaking to her. Just that neither of us saw our relationship as important or close enough to take care of in the past 6 years.

Jac: Well what have you been up to?

Me: I'm not about to re-cap my entire 6 years just to make you feel like you know me at all.

Jac: But we're family.

Me: If it were really that important to either of us maybe we should have picked up a phone sometime during those 6 years.

Jac: I guess I see family differently.

Me: No not really. I just consider my family to be people I actually know.

I know, I know I'm harsh. And perhaps I should have taken it easier on her what with being 27 and divorced already. But I didn't know that until she told me last night. I wasn't invited to the wedding.

But family is family.

I'll huff and I'll puff...

Liam has taken to making this face now and huffing and puffing.
My mom hates it.
So, Peter and I make him do it all the time.

Beware the silence

Warning: Once your child has figured out one lid he can figure out all lids.

It was a rainy day and Liam was playing so nice in his room foolish mommy thought she could get some work done. But a dangerous silence rang out through the house and mommy peaked around the corner into Liam's room to find him squatting over an brand new container of vasilene - now opened by deft little fingers - said little fingers were digging their way through the wonderfully squishy stuff and then wiping it EVERYWHERE.

The evidence:

Images of my teenage son...

This is the exact look Liam will give me the first time
he comes home drunk and tries to deny it.

Conversations with the past

You ever have those day when you can't help thinking about the past. For some reason this has been happening to me more and more lately. Maybe it's a getting older thing that I have quite mastered.

Anyways, it started with me thinking about ex boyfriends and where they would be now...so i google them and to be honest it's like they never existed. No trace of them whatsoever. Like I stopped seeing him and "POOF!" (but more like a "pft" sound - like when you open old spaghetti in tupperware from the back of the fridge) Gone. Ahh, wouldn't it be wonderful?

This led me to start thinking about past jobs, past bosses and past co-workers. Oh what a tangled web...I've had crappy jobs just like everyone else (cashier at fortinos and deli clerk at zarkey's being top of my list) but also jobs I've really loved. I can't say I've had many good bosses but I've had more than my share of managers on massive power/ego trips that often matched their waistlines and those poor souls shoved into jobs that don't suit them without a clue at all (you know who you are or maybe you don't what with the no clue thing). But the past co-workers are the best. I've met at least 3 great friends as a result of my previous employers.

Then there's the people you haven't heard from in years that suddenly turn up in your life again for no rhyme or reason and you realize you have nothing to say to them. Or you just don't know how to re-cap the previous decade...

MY RECAP:

university
lived with a crazy rub n' tug girl for a year
trip to europe
moved in with Peter
bought a house together
reno house
got fired from job
had baby

In a nutshell.

Feels like....

I think it should be a game show for new mothers.

"Thank you contestants...and welcome to FEELS LIKE..."

Tired and unenthused clapping from the audience.

"Contestant #1 - Please place your pelvis into the flaming bone crushing vice - Does this come close to describing your labour?"

"Not exactly, Chuck. For me it felt like...."

Okay maybe too much information for normal TV audiences but HBO or showtime would eat that up.

Where's Liam Wednesdays...

Boy, you better put some sunscreen on that bum.

You don't want a sunburn there, trust me.

Proof is in the Puddin'

If anything was to prove that Liam is actually
Peter's son it's this photo.

Look at that bum! Wax Peter down and it's exactly the same!

Dirty Laundry

Family is one of the things I never had too much concern over until I had a child of my own. Now it seems that the "relatives" I expose my 9 month old to are all important. I want Liam to have a better sense of Family than I have.

My father is an only child and both his parents died when he was 12 yrs old. He was raised by his Aunt and Uncle - my Nana and Papa - and though I loved my Nana dearly and spent quite a bit of time with her as a child I never had a good relationship with my Papa. I always felt like a orphan kid eveyone felt sorry for at family functions but never truely a part of that Family. When Nana passed away we never spoke to anyone on that side of the Family again.

My mother is one of 5 children of whom she only speaks to 2 of them - one out of charity and necessity (my uncle is disabled) and the other because he happens to be the most sane out of all of them (even though or perhaps especially because he lives in another province 1344.58 miles away). Leaving only a drunk (now passed) and a nut bag. This makes any Family event or occasion less than appealing. So we end up finding out about deaths, births and marriages often through a third party. Pretty horrible huh?

That being said I have little desire to subject Liam to anyone on either side of my extended family. Even when they call after not speaking to me for about 7 years.

I am often both stumped and awed at the closeness and almost militant love Peter's family has for one another. As I have come to know and love (almost all of) them I can understand it when there is nothing to get in the way. I am thankful that Liam will grow up surrounded by this love and family and not my own.

Mindful Mommy Mondays

Liam leads the charge with a battle cry and his track pants pulled up around his nipples.

Why we blog...

"Why is it we want so badly to memorialize ourselves?" Everyday we write our own mini euology in hopes of what? Applause, envy, respect, a laugh? Or is it just that we can't stand the thought that no one is listening? That no one is paying attention?

This thought of losing our voice seems to become crystalized as you become a mother or father. As that little voice is no longer your own. As the former you that thought nothing of tomorrow has faded into the desperate person who writes down witty conversations and ironic daily events in some hope that someone somewhere will listen.

And who would want to hear it? I used to talk about politics and religion, now most of my conversations revolve around poop and runny noses so that when something that strikes me as genuinely "funny" happens in my mostly mundane days I feel compelled to blog.

At the every least we want a witness. A witness to both our achievements and our failings.

So when the time comes to stand at the front of a tiny chapel in a run down old funeral home, just say that I wanted to be heard occassionally when it seemed like no one was listening.

The twos aren't terrible...

We had a wonderful visit yesterday from Shannon and Bella. They spent the afternoon with us playing, reading and watching Monsters Inc. It's great to see Liam and Bella playing together (even though it took some convincing on Bella's part).

Geeze, I have to say though the two's SURE DO LOOK LIKE FUN! Especially, when your child (Bella) is smarter than most 5 year olds I know. Not only do you have to deal with the joy of emerging independence and stubborness but you can't outwit the child (she can count). I have to give Shan big credit here for patience. Everything is "you gotta.." "you have to.." and "I need.."

But look at that face....

Learn something new everyday...

Avocado
From "awa guatl," a South American Indigenous word for testicle. The Spanish took this term and used to to refer to what we now call the avocado.

So many things this week ruined for me.....

Den of the Devil

or why I can't seem to get out of Old Navy without buying something for Liam.

By something I mean that I usually end up spending at least $50. Money that I don't have..(g-damn EI & RLP and thank goodness for the bacon) and really shouldn't spend on our fast growing lil' monkey.

HOWEVER, have you seen how cute A) the halloween outfits are and B) yes, my baby is a rock star.

Does anyone know why they don't make cool black tees and pants for babies that you don't have spend $30 online for?

There's nothing like...

There's nothing like getting bit on the butt as you get dressed by your son.

WARNING!!!

IF YOU SEE THIS RUNNING AT YOU YOU WILL GET A KISS FOLLOWED PROMPTLY BY A BITE ON ANY EXPOSED PART OF YOUR BODY!

I never liked Roses...

And though I have a sense of why now...(ask Suz).

I am left to wonder what is so appealing about many other flowers.

Steak and Snickers

You can say whatever you want but once you become a parent comparing your child to every other child is almost as natural as breathing.

Today I found myself in the den of the devil (Old Navy) staring a the enormity of a child the same age as Liam with a head the same size as mine. Admittedly, I do not have an extra large head (like his father) but to see an adult head on the body of an infant is disturbing to say the least. Though I suppose it would have been more so had the child not been about 30 lbs. with more rolls than the michlen (sp?) man.

It leaves me wondering what they are feeding him.

My family doctor balked at the amount that I current feed the bottomless pit that is my son. She looked distractedly from me to Liam about 3 times before saying "Well....he seems fine." Meaning in my FTM mind that my child could possibly have a tape worm or worse.

So why, if I am feeding Liam what my doctor would see as "a lot", does my child look "normal" (relative considering his parentage) and not weight 30lbs, look like he has a football for a head and ate Budda for breakfast?

My only guess is that these other parents are feeding these tiny tubbys STEAK AND SNICKERS.

Where's Liam Wednesdays...

Maybe that will tire him out.

Mindful Mommy Mondays

Sometimes the lil' monkey just wants to taunt the wildlife.

At least he remembered the camera.

the eternity stick, bacon and Chris' 30th Birthday

Saturday night Chris faced more than a fear of immortal gays and Tina with no bacon. He faced his 30th Birthday (with a smile) and our longest friendship...I've known Chris for 25 years.

On a a sunny day in 1981, thus began my "plot" to "make" Chris gay. The way he tells it I achieved this by "forcing" him to play with barbies and my little pony. However, I also remember actually forcing Chris to play outside, on the big wheel and in the dirt with bugs (which even as a 5 yr old Chris regarded as "icky"). So I feel assured that it had nothing to do with my lack of a barbie partner.

Some other great things happened in 1981...

The 1st launch of a space shuttle
Prince Charles and Diana Spencer marry on July 29
Luke and Lauras's Wedding (General Hospital), Most watched wedding in history next to Charles and Diana.
Dynasty premiers in primetime hours and becomes a hit
Pac-Man is introduced in the US and sparks a huge craze.
August 1, The birth of MTV, the 24 hour-a-day music television station

I will be adding photos of chris age 5 as soon as possible...

you're a useful engine.

I really try not to judge the cartoons Liam seems to consume daily*. And I am sickened that I can sing many of the title songs and know the names of almost all the characters on at least 6 shows on treehouse. But there is a limit to my tolerance of what messages these cartoons are forcing on my baby - how many times do I have have to hear "You're a really useful engine" or bob the builder spout "Get the job done"? What happened to just being silly and imagining? what happened to funny rabbits, cats and birds, a french skunk, the stupid coyote?

Yes I have made an effort to ensure that Liam never views 1) 4 ton purple dinos singing off key with overly perky children 2) blob like things called boohbah from the UK popping in and out in a somewhat uncomfortable way.

*FYI - you can say whatever you want about raising children without TV when you have children. And bless your sweet backwoods christian heart if you can keep them away from the TV at all let alone away from horrifying and devastating shows like Dora the Explorer.

customer.....service

I believe customer service departments to be somewhat self explanatory. But after being on the phone to our former domain and hosting provider for most of the day trying to get one simple thing done, I am forced to wonder if people working in "customer service" actually have any idea what they are supposed to be doing.

Me: Yes this is my 4th phone call today to your customer service I just need (so and so) done. I know you can do this and that it will only take you five minutes to do.

Snotty "customer service" lady: uh well there's really nothing I can do for you so I'm hanging up now.

And SHE HUNG UP!

I'm also convinced that no one actually works at this company and that it's just 3 angry old women jammed in a cubicle in a storage locker somewhere in Toronto randomly telling people that they can't actually do their job (that is "customer service") and then hanging up on them.

So either way I went around this company, called the parent company (a large domain registrar) who don't specifically deal with individual domains or 'customers' but I guess if you sound pissed off enough and your child is screaming hysterically in the background they are willing to help out. There's an advantage to having kids after all. I knew eventually it would pay off.

mommy moments

The greatest mommy moments I have had with Liam have all been recently.



He has taken to randomly walking up to me and hugging me and kissing me. It's funny - I figured it's natural that he "love" me as his mother but to truely on his own show me affection at the most perfect moments can make me smile hours later.

Liam can also say "mahh mahh" in so many tones now. My favourite and the one I love the best is when he sighs it as we're snuggling before bed, it's a "maaahhh mahhhh" almost a whisper before he closes his eyes. It's sugary sweet and breaks my heart every time.

How old DO I look?

knock - knock

Me: yes?

50ish man at my door: Is your mom home?

Me: hahahaha...umm no this is my house, but thanks.


Later that same day....

18ish girl doing nails: moisturizing is the key to looking young

Me: yeah I should own stock in aveeno

18ish girl doing nails: oh I though someone your age would use oil of olay....

Me: hahahaha....how old do you think I am?


it was a very confusing day.